After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
