I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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