Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
