i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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