I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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