The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
