She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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