I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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