I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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