First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
