Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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