When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
