Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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