Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
