Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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