I murdered the dance floor call the cops
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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