my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
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