you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
