Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
