i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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