I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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