So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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