I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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