Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
farters have to be the big spoon...
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
