Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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