if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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