Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
