my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
