I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
