oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
