dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
