hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
