His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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