Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
