Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
