It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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