Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
