First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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