Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize