omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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