Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
you made out with another girl for some wings
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize