I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
