Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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