dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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