You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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