he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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