I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
