i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
