well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize