there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
