I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I could have mohawked her pubes.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
