How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
