Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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