I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just cut my nipple shaving
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
