At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
