It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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