had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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