i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Dear god my vagina.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
