Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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