She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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