I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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