FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
