Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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