Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
