The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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