I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
