Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
