ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
