i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
My bed smells like the plague
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
