Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
There's always time for handjobs
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
