nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
