i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
