just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
